7 Ways To Ensure Your Video Doesn't Work

Once you've commissioned your website video you want to be absolutely sure that it does you no good at all. Here are the top seven questions you should be asking yourself if you want to ensure that your video has less than zero impact on your site and its ability to convert your visitors.

1. How long is it?

Videos should be at least eight minutes long to make sure you fit every word of your user manual  into the script. Always start with a long tracking shot or a view of the planet from outer space that slowly focuses in on your office in the business district. People always want to see where you work even if it has nothing to do with your product.

Make sure you don’t reveal your company’s message too early on. Nobody likes spoilers.

Don’t bother with a call to action. People will naturally intuit what you want them to do.

2. Where is it?

When people visit your site make sure they have no idea there's a video. The more money you spend on a one-off video, the deeper within your site the video should be buried.

Under no circumstances should the video be on your home page. If, by some miracle, one of your visitors stumbles across the right URL, you should hide the play button so that there is no chance it will ever be clicked on.

Never set your video to autoplay. But, if you do, make sure that it autoplays for the same visitor every time they land on the right page ensuring maximum annoyance. Don’t set the video to react differently to first-time and repeat visitors; they’ll just think you’re being clever.

3. What player should I use?

Choose the simplest player you can find. Don’t worry about streaming issues. Your visitors will be glad to wait while the video loads. When your video finishes, the player should encourage users to leave your site and watch more videos somewhere else. As Sting once said, “If you love somebody, set them free.”

4. What language is it in?

Videos should be in English only. If your potential customer speaks even a little bit of English he won’t want to be patronized by having a voiceover in his mother tongue or a choice of subtitles. If he doesn’t speak English, you probably don’t want him anyway. If you insist on adding additional language choices, make sure this option is well hidden and certainly don’t set the language default according to the geo-location of the visitor.

5. What if I want to make changes?

Changes? What changes? It’s not like your website ever changes! The beauty of paying a lump sum up front to a video design company is that you never have to worry about changing things. You simply can’t. Much better to wait until you have more budget next year and start again with a new design company.

6. What should it look like?

Ideally your video should be as flashy as possible using as many special effects as you can manage. Try to confuse and distract your visitors with hidden meanings and bizarre visual references. Saturate the screen with fluorescent colors to give visitors a headache that will always remind them of you.

7. How do I measure success?

Are you kidding? You don’t want to measure success! Metrics are for losers. Your video should be a work of art with nothing to prove and no one to prove it to.

It doesn’t just matter that no one watches your video, it’s also important that no one does anything after watching your video. It’s kinda Zen.

Good luck.